1 00:03:13,829 --> 00:03:15,230 Gentlemen. 2 00:03:29,930 --> 00:03:36,550 Ladies, as president of WHAC, I suppose you expect congratulations 3 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:42,130 on our being the number one X -rated network in the United States. 4 00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:49,250 You know, a full 75 % of the top -rated programs on the tube this year 5 00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:50,330 originate on this network. 6 00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:52,870 Now, I should be happy. 7 00:03:53,130 --> 00:03:54,990 I should be content. 8 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,900 I should take a vacation and get a tan. 9 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:09,740 But I am not happy, and I am not 10 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,680 content, and I can't rest. 11 00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:19,760 And I refuse to take a vacation and get a goddamn tan like a honky faggot 12 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,779 in the marina. 13 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:29,040 Not while there's a single program not number one on WHAC in its 14 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,200 time slot. 15 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:31,960 Never! 16 00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:37,980 And now, here we are in the red. 17 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,140 And what do I see here? 18 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,180 And here? And here? 19 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,440 What are these? 20 00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:49,600 Losers! Schmuckouts! 21 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,570 Whimps! Less than bass wasters. 22 00:04:53,270 --> 00:04:57,470 Is that what we want on WHAZ? No, Mr. Blackman. 23 00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:58,830 I know. 24 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:02,250 You're proud men and women. You've worked damn hard. 25 00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:07,070 You know, your little whorehouse on the prairie won an hour on Monday night that 26 00:05:07,070 --> 00:05:08,850 no one's been ever to capture before. 27 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:14,230 And Tuesday night, the mating game, just sensational. 28 00:05:15,670 --> 00:05:17,510 Genitals prefer blondes. 29 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:21,980 won an award for the highest rated movie made for TV this season. 30 00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:26,100 We can be proud of these things. Yes. 31 00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:33,320 But until we're number one across the board, you niggers better get your asses 32 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,179 in gear. 33 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:35,180 You dig? 34 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,720 Yes, Mr. Blackheart Man. 35 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,080 That's better. 36 00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:42,660 That's better. 37 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,080 Because we still... 38 00:05:45,850 --> 00:05:51,710 have some damn tough competition to face. For instance, there's one that 39 00:05:51,710 --> 00:05:53,770 first place for the past six years. 40 00:05:54,530 --> 00:06:01,330 It's creamed. Everything we put up against it, comedies, reruns, game 41 00:06:01,750 --> 00:06:06,410 nothing seems to stop it. I'm referring, of course, to that old war horse, 42 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:08,790 General Hospital. 43 00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,190 But I have faith in you motherfuckers. 44 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:20,410 I'm anxious to hear the solutions that your white depraved brains came up with. 45 00:06:21,170 --> 00:06:27,130 So I give you our vice president in charge of programming for our dramatic 46 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,590 daytime series, Mr. Barry Hooper. Barry. 47 00:06:30,450 --> 00:06:31,610 Thanks, big guy. 48 00:06:34,630 --> 00:06:35,630 Okay. 49 00:06:37,970 --> 00:06:43,330 We finally realized what the key to general hospital success really was. 50 00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:49,140 General Hospital is what the American housewife watches at that time of day 51 00:06:49,140 --> 00:06:54,700 because after the kitchen is mopped, those brats are off to school. 52 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,300 That third martini's slugged down. 53 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:02,840 The neurotic next -door neighbor consoled. The mother -in -law kicked 54 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:05,380 The dog driven to obedience school. 55 00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:08,120 The goddamn mail lugged in from the mailbox. 56 00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,500 The American housewife wants to. 57 00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:15,980 The American housewife needs to. In fact, she demands to be in one place, 58 00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:18,560 one place only, and that's the friggin' hospital! 59 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:24,900 I don't know why the hell we didn't realize this sooner. But now that we do, 60 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,340 we've come up with the perfect competition. 61 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:31,640 A hospital show to beat General Hospital at its own game. 62 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:35,220 And with our own special whack. 63 00:07:36,620 --> 00:07:38,040 Touches, of course. 64 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,120 We call it... 65 00:07:41,450 --> 00:07:43,230 Genital Hospital! 66 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,080 Hmm. 67 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:18,840 Well, your pressure's a little low there, Ronnie. Not feeling so well 68 00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:19,819 huh? 69 00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,020 Afraid not, Doc. 70 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:28,440 I... Ah, 71 00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,280 nurse. I've been expecting you. 72 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,799 So, how's my paper today? 73 00:08:40,370 --> 00:08:43,830 Nurse, I'd like you to take the patient's vital signs. Yes, doctor. 74 00:08:44,130 --> 00:08:45,710 And could you get me a specimen, too? 75 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,110 Yes, doctor. 76 00:08:48,710 --> 00:08:50,350 Okay, Ron, why don't you just roll over? 77 00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:56,290 Ow! 78 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:01,930 Damn it, that hurts! Now, Ronnie, you heard what the doctor said. 79 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:03,870 I'm not going to let you do it to me. 80 00:09:05,070 --> 00:09:08,090 Now, Ronnie, you heard what the doctor said. Now, just relax. 81 00:09:09,689 --> 00:09:10,930 Now what are you doing? 82 00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:16,230 Hush now. I've work to do. I'm just checking your vital signs like the 83 00:09:16,230 --> 00:09:17,230 told me to. 84 00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:49,110 Okay, now. 85 00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:51,090 This won't hurt a bit. 86 00:09:55,430 --> 00:09:57,850 How come you gotta go stick that thing in me like that? 87 00:09:58,630 --> 00:10:00,370 I'm just getting your anal temperature. 88 00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:02,330 Now just relax and be cool. 89 00:10:03,210 --> 00:10:06,050 Why do you expect me to be cool when you're making me so hot? 90 00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:08,050 Ah! 91 00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:11,570 Crying out loud. What do you think I am, a pincushion? 92 00:10:11,970 --> 00:10:13,930 Now, Ronnie, you're just being difficult. 93 00:10:14,370 --> 00:10:17,150 Here, let me show you. It won't hurt a bit. 94 00:10:20,970 --> 00:10:25,930 Now just take the thermometer and stick it in my pussy and get it a little wet. 95 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,550 And then stick it in the little hole above that. 96 00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:38,670 Gee, 97 00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:42,710 it goes in so easy. 98 00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:46,190 That's right, love. 99 00:10:46,450 --> 00:10:49,010 You can stick almost anything in there you want. 100 00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:53,850 Here, let me flip this off and I'll show you. 101 00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:23,670 Why don't you try your fingers for starters? 102 00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:30,110 I can't take it. 103 00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:46,490 Gee, 104 00:11:47,510 --> 00:11:48,510 this is fun. 105 00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:51,580 Bet you could even take this Coke bottle. 106 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,720 Are you kidding? 107 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,560 Here, let me spread my cheeks for you. 108 00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:30,930 Ooh, baby, that feels so good. 109 00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:34,350 You're getting the right idea now. 110 00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:37,750 Here. 111 00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:41,110 Let me get your car card and put that in, too. 112 00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:43,010 Serious? 113 00:14:17,070 --> 00:14:18,250 Mm -hmm 114 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:37,720 Having fun? 115 00:16:37,940 --> 00:16:39,440 Oh, you bet. 116 00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,620 A nurse's work is never done. 117 00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:52,840 um um 118 00:18:40,090 --> 00:18:42,210 Nurse, what in the hell is going on here? 119 00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:44,630 Just getting the specimen for you, doctor. 120 00:18:46,810 --> 00:18:47,810 Here you go. 121 00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:53,750 Fine work, nurse. 122 00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:54,970 Until next time. 123 00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:59,110 Don't ruin a perfectly good banana. His Medi -Cal does not cover perishables. 124 00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:05,570 Now, get your butt up to Ward 8. Mr. Peterson is due for a dong extension 125 00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:07,690 operation, and he has not even shaved yet. 126 00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:10,410 Yes, I understand, sir. 127 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,870 You know, I'll never find that little thing unless he's shaved. 128 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,090 Can I get a new sheet? 129 00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:22,890 Lights! Lights! 130 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:26,010 Will somebody turn up the goddamn lights? 131 00:19:27,570 --> 00:19:29,630 Cool it, you horny honkies. 132 00:19:30,110 --> 00:19:33,850 Oh, fantastic stuff, Hooper. Christ! 133 00:19:35,330 --> 00:19:36,970 I gotta change underwear. 134 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,610 I feel like I'm sitting in hot butter. 135 00:19:43,730 --> 00:19:45,150 Real wanker. 136 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:49,490 I liked it, Hooper. I damn well liked it a lot. 137 00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:51,710 So I see. 138 00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:57,120 How do you see it going story -wise, I mean, from there, champ? Well, that's 139 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,200 beautiful part of it, Blackie. 140 00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,440 I mean, Mr. 141 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,280 Blackman. The yarn can go in a million ways. 142 00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:05,120 If a nurse catches on, she becomes a regular. 143 00:20:05,380 --> 00:20:09,880 If not, she gets a bug in the infectious ward and dies dramatically. 144 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,500 We have half a dozen stories already. 145 00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:14,500 All winning. I can see it now. 146 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,220 My first job, a young nurse's... 147 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:24,760 First shift in the emergency ward of a big city sex clinic. 148 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:31,460 Ah, critical hard -ons wheeled in one after another. 149 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,620 Terminal cases of horniness. 150 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:39,340 Or, how's about organ transplants mother never told me about? 151 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,500 Or, surgeons I have sucked by a head nurse. 152 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:48,780 I'd like to see the story of a young nurse. 153 00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:53,230 How I lost the battle when there was no orderly withdrawal. 154 00:20:54,450 --> 00:20:58,910 90 % of the hospitalized guys we interviewed wanted to fuck their nurses. 155 00:20:59,510 --> 00:21:04,710 99 % of the hospitalized women we interviewed wanted their doctors to do 156 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:06,430 exploratories on their pussies. 157 00:21:06,650 --> 00:21:07,650 It's a natural. 158 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:23,980 Okay, okay, okay. 159 00:21:24,260 --> 00:21:26,520 So we got one more winner. 160 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,420 But that's not any reason to get cocky. There's more to conquer. 161 00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:37,340 For instance, there's that Marlon Perkins and his faggot wild kingdom. 162 00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:41,540 You pussy -hating assholes better come up with a solution for that one. 163 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:48,580 Or else. So I give you a Bill Robbins vice president in charge of cutesy 164 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:49,900 animal programming. 165 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,400 Thanks, big guy. 166 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,680 Oh, goodness. 167 00:21:56,060 --> 00:22:00,880 Mr. Perkins has been around so long with his terrible wild kingdom. 168 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:06,000 He's had the number one spot for nature programs for a coon's age. 169 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,220 And those who are not watching that, they're watching Disneyland. 170 00:22:15,380 --> 00:22:18,700 Well, this time we think we have the old buzzard's beat. 171 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:22,060 with Wild and Crazy Kingdom. 172 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:29,260 Like, you know, we put it through our computers, and we put together Wild 173 00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,760 Kingdom and Disneyland, and it just popped out. 174 00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:37,260 It's animals, and it's fairy tales, and it's sexy, and it's wings. 175 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:46,200 So, the animals in our pilot are too 176 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,800 dynamite. And devastatingly gay penthouse pinups. 177 00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:55,120 What the hell kind of animal looks like a penthouse pinup? 178 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:56,840 Looks sweetheart. 179 00:22:58,060 --> 00:23:01,980 Penthouse did a 12 -page spread on us. They liked it so much. 180 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,020 Hard to beat that kind of PR, baby. 181 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,960 Suck it to them, Harry. 182 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:15,760 Now, you kiddies, you just sit back and relax and you enjoy. Our first episode 183 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:21,210 begins now. Just after, the poor butterfly finds herself ensnared in the 184 00:23:21,210 --> 00:23:22,210 spider's web. 185 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:11,900 You didn't have to do that. 186 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:17,020 Stop it! Damn it! 187 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,880 What do you want from me? 188 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:22,960 Please. 189 00:25:56,270 --> 00:25:57,270 Why don't you speak? 190 00:26:54,110 --> 00:26:56,400 Thank you 191 00:27:22,030 --> 00:27:23,610 You didn't have to trap me. 192 00:27:27,930 --> 00:27:29,350 You're so beautiful. 193 00:27:31,010 --> 00:27:32,430 Why don't you say something? 194 00:27:33,150 --> 00:27:34,790 Could it be that you can't speak? 195 00:27:35,270 --> 00:27:36,470 That's it, isn't it? 196 00:27:36,930 --> 00:27:37,950 Oh, poor baby. 197 00:27:38,510 --> 00:27:41,310 You're just looking for a little love, just like everyone else. 198 00:27:41,670 --> 00:27:43,470 You didn't have to trap me for that. 199 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:36,120 Thank you. 200 00:31:08,620 --> 00:31:09,620 Bye. 201 00:32:45,550 --> 00:32:46,550 Yeah. 202 00:33:48,899 --> 00:33:50,020 What do you think, MB? 203 00:33:50,590 --> 00:33:53,230 Right on. Now you're rocking me, baby. 204 00:33:53,730 --> 00:33:55,530 Who was that spider anyway? 205 00:33:56,370 --> 00:34:01,030 I never had a bug give me a heart on before. A bug on, yeah. 206 00:34:01,810 --> 00:34:07,910 Her name was Linda Longlegs. We found her at a routine marketability test in 207 00:34:07,910 --> 00:34:08,909 Tampa. 208 00:34:09,170 --> 00:34:10,250 Very likable. 209 00:34:10,510 --> 00:34:13,570 Very versatile. And very gay. 210 00:34:14,030 --> 00:34:15,210 Oh, I didn't see that. 211 00:34:19,970 --> 00:34:22,170 Okay, so we're hot now, huh? 212 00:34:22,770 --> 00:34:27,110 But who's got the solution to be knocking out that mother of Mother's 213 00:34:27,670 --> 00:34:30,010 Hey, Big Chief, I know I got the solution. 214 00:34:30,330 --> 00:34:31,350 Give me a minute. 215 00:34:36,530 --> 00:34:43,330 You might be surprised with what we came up with, Mighty Magoo. 216 00:34:43,449 --> 00:34:44,610 It's a real peach. 217 00:34:46,770 --> 00:34:48,210 It's called... 218 00:34:48,830 --> 00:34:49,830 Trash. 219 00:34:57,910 --> 00:35:02,010 Trash? I can dig it. You got something there, fella. 220 00:35:03,390 --> 00:35:05,190 Sure. The hilarious. 221 00:35:06,970 --> 00:35:07,970 The hilarious. 222 00:35:19,980 --> 00:35:25,500 The hilarious, hilarious episodes of an army recruiting office. 223 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:29,120 Fire up that projector and let him have it right between the eyes. 224 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:34,100 We even have a sponsor. 225 00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,860 Stinky Beans presents Trash. 226 00:35:40,660 --> 00:35:44,620 Stinky Beans. They smell so bad. 227 00:35:45,020 --> 00:35:46,540 And so will you. 228 00:35:49,260 --> 00:35:51,060 The beans with the afterburn. 229 00:35:51,580 --> 00:35:55,680 Pinky beans. They'll light up your life. 230 00:35:56,340 --> 00:35:57,340 Mmm. 231 00:36:20,650 --> 00:36:22,650 Have you seen the recruiting figures for last month? 232 00:36:23,610 --> 00:36:27,270 How the hell are we going to defend this country against the red menace with the 233 00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:29,430 kind of crap we're getting in this all -volunteer army? 234 00:36:30,370 --> 00:36:34,650 Misfits, goofballs, guys not even fit to clean latrines. 235 00:36:35,350 --> 00:36:38,810 I can't show those motivational index scores to Washington. They'll have me 236 00:36:38,810 --> 00:36:43,430 sweating my ass out on some goddamn forsaken desert with some goddamn A -rab 237 00:36:43,430 --> 00:36:45,850 his goddamn flea -bitten camel, for Christ's sakes. 238 00:36:46,050 --> 00:36:46,709 Yes, sir. 239 00:36:46,710 --> 00:36:49,310 Just look at the motivational index scores on these guys. 240 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,260 New York, 21. 241 00:36:51,540 --> 00:36:53,120 New England, 26. 242 00:36:53,700 --> 00:36:55,600 California, 16. 243 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,800 And half of them have got brain damage. 244 00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:01,240 Cleveland, 16 and sinking fast. 245 00:37:01,700 --> 00:37:05,720 And Little Rock, Arkansas, average motivational index, 200. 246 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:09,280 200, sir? 247 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:11,440 200? 248 00:37:11,980 --> 00:37:13,300 In Little Rock? 249 00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:18,080 What the hell does Little Rock know that the rest of the damn country doesn't? 250 00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,440 They must be doing something right, sir. 251 00:37:21,020 --> 00:37:23,120 Maybe we should investigate their recruiting methods. 252 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:27,260 Crothers, I just had a brilliant idea. 253 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,320 Maybe we should investigate their recruiting methods. 254 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,160 I want you to get your ass down to Little Rock and find out what those 255 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:36,019 are doing. 256 00:37:36,020 --> 00:37:37,160 And go in plain clothes. 257 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,480 I want the unvarnished truth. 258 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:44,100 They must have some sort of secret weapon or something like that. 259 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:46,800 Great idea, sir. 260 00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,140 I'll get right on it. 261 00:38:06,990 --> 00:38:09,310 You're not the chaplain. Come on in, honey. 262 00:38:12,670 --> 00:38:14,390 Well, what can I do for you, good -looking? 263 00:38:18,350 --> 00:38:23,010 Well, I can't seem to find a good job, so I was considering enlisting. 264 00:38:23,590 --> 00:38:27,170 Can you tell me what kind of career opportunities the Army might have for 265 00:38:27,610 --> 00:38:33,210 Well, I have a few questions I have to ask you, so if you want to just sit down 266 00:38:33,210 --> 00:38:34,210 and answer them. 267 00:38:36,460 --> 00:38:37,460 What's your name? 268 00:38:38,020 --> 00:38:44,260 Barry Carruthers. I guess you could put it that way. 269 00:38:44,540 --> 00:38:46,000 Okay, and your age? 270 00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:53,680 19. Okay, what's your sexual preferences? Women, young girl, men, 271 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:54,680 none of the above? 272 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:56,200 I like women. 273 00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:57,700 Women, very good. 274 00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:05,380 How many sexual experiences have you had? Under 10, under 50, or over 50? 275 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:07,800 Under 10. 276 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,320 Oh, we'll have to do something about that. 277 00:39:11,540 --> 00:39:14,540 And what sex aids do you prefer? 278 00:39:15,260 --> 00:39:16,880 Vibrators, cucumbers, 279 00:39:17,660 --> 00:39:21,620 greased pig, or Black and Decker routers? 280 00:39:22,740 --> 00:39:26,580 I like carpentry, so I guess it would be the routers. 281 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,220 Well, that looks like good Army material. 282 00:39:36,910 --> 00:39:39,030 Say, how come all these questions are about sex? 283 00:39:39,530 --> 00:39:42,170 Because the Army wants to make sure you're a real man. 284 00:39:43,150 --> 00:39:46,330 I think the Lieutenant's ready to see you now, so follow me. 285 00:40:06,190 --> 00:40:07,630 At ease, Mr. Carruthers. 286 00:40:08,650 --> 00:40:10,570 I've taken some plasma experience. 287 00:40:11,190 --> 00:40:12,190 Yeah. 288 00:40:12,850 --> 00:40:14,630 Well, what can you become a mechanic? 289 00:40:15,370 --> 00:40:19,390 Oh, you mean like oiling crankshafts? 290 00:40:20,370 --> 00:40:22,090 Checking proper lubrication? 291 00:40:22,570 --> 00:40:28,530 Making sure all cylinders are pumping as fast and as smooth as they can? Hmm? 292 00:40:29,330 --> 00:40:32,750 Hmm? Well, yes, I guess. 293 00:40:33,090 --> 00:40:34,310 But that questionnaire. 294 00:40:35,390 --> 00:40:37,850 All it asked about was sex. 295 00:40:38,470 --> 00:40:40,330 That's all we're interested in around here. 296 00:40:40,770 --> 00:40:44,090 If you can't charge with your cock, well, what can you charge with? 297 00:40:45,310 --> 00:40:47,150 I never thought of it that way. 298 00:40:47,390 --> 00:40:48,390 Of course not. 299 00:40:49,510 --> 00:40:51,290 You're not paid to think in the Army. 300 00:40:52,190 --> 00:40:55,110 Here, put this on, and we'll run through some more preliminary testing. 301 00:40:56,950 --> 00:40:57,990 Are you kidding? 302 00:40:58,330 --> 00:40:59,330 I don't have any problem with that. 303 00:40:59,930 --> 00:41:02,810 The first thing a soldier learns in the Army is to take orders. 304 00:41:03,370 --> 00:41:05,410 Drop your pants, Clutters, and put that on. 305 00:41:06,210 --> 00:41:07,210 Hmm. 306 00:41:07,990 --> 00:41:08,990 Nice fit. 307 00:41:10,330 --> 00:41:11,330 Hmm. 308 00:41:12,630 --> 00:41:13,630 Nice butt. 309 00:41:15,270 --> 00:41:18,670 Yes, Clutters, I think you'll do well for the Army. 310 00:41:20,910 --> 00:41:24,770 But I'd like to give you a little more basic training, and then we'll see if 311 00:41:24,770 --> 00:41:25,770 want to sign up. 312 00:41:28,370 --> 00:41:30,430 Private Ress, would you please come into my office? 313 00:41:37,450 --> 00:41:39,790 Yes, ma 'am. You want my hot husband? 314 00:41:41,550 --> 00:41:42,870 All right, crudders. 315 00:41:43,630 --> 00:41:47,390 Let us just say that Private Rest here is an enemy spy. 316 00:41:48,110 --> 00:41:50,590 How did you go about getting information from her? 317 00:41:52,430 --> 00:41:57,050 Well, I'd shine a bright light in her eyes and threaten her with cigarettes. 318 00:41:58,270 --> 00:41:59,390 Just as I thought. 319 00:41:59,610 --> 00:42:02,210 Typical old -fashioned male -servant tactic. 320 00:42:02,970 --> 00:42:05,830 Well, in today's army, we have a lot better method. 321 00:42:06,150 --> 00:42:07,150 Private Rest. 322 00:42:07,390 --> 00:42:08,390 Take care, folks. 323 00:42:37,210 --> 00:42:38,210 Okay, Crothers. 324 00:42:38,610 --> 00:42:40,890 Get these restraints and help me tie her up. Tight. 325 00:42:55,230 --> 00:42:56,230 Is that okay? 326 00:42:56,510 --> 00:42:57,388 That's fine. 327 00:42:57,390 --> 00:43:00,770 Now, suck the suspect's nipple so that she'll know you're her friend. 328 00:43:11,470 --> 00:43:16,470 Very light, light circular motion. Around and around the nipple with your 329 00:43:16,470 --> 00:43:17,470 tongue. 330 00:43:18,230 --> 00:43:19,230 That's right. 331 00:43:24,510 --> 00:43:28,030 See her submissing to you now? Do you see how happy you're making her? 332 00:43:29,750 --> 00:43:32,590 Now, work your way down her torso with your tongue. 333 00:43:34,770 --> 00:43:35,770 Lightly. 334 00:43:37,770 --> 00:43:38,770 Lightly. 335 00:43:47,970 --> 00:43:50,970 Yes, now suck her pussy through her panties. 336 00:43:53,970 --> 00:43:54,970 That's that. 337 00:43:59,390 --> 00:44:00,390 Yes, 338 00:44:06,650 --> 00:44:09,030 Private Rex, you're having a good time, aren't you? 339 00:44:19,470 --> 00:44:21,390 How are you doing down here, brothers? 340 00:44:23,610 --> 00:44:25,170 Not very well, I can see. 341 00:44:25,790 --> 00:44:28,770 Rip those panties off. Let me see if it's like a real cunt. 342 00:44:32,530 --> 00:44:33,690 Rip them! Rip them! 343 00:44:36,990 --> 00:44:39,910 Great. Now, let me see how you do. 344 00:44:42,590 --> 00:44:44,210 No, no, no, no. Up higher. 345 00:44:45,350 --> 00:44:46,350 There you go. 346 00:44:46,970 --> 00:44:47,970 Faster. 347 00:44:49,540 --> 00:44:50,540 Faster, faster. 348 00:44:51,340 --> 00:44:53,700 What do you think God gave you that tongue for? Come on. 349 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:57,280 Nah. 350 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:00,100 Get out of the way. Let me show you how to eat a tongue. 351 00:45:21,070 --> 00:45:22,070 Fuck. 352 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:55,800 I'm very impressed. 353 00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:57,380 You should be. 354 00:45:57,780 --> 00:46:00,940 Take those rest of the things off and step over here. 355 00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:37,900 And the army require teamwork. 356 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:41,220 So I'm going to have you stick this boner inside me. 357 00:49:53,420 --> 00:49:55,400 Oh. Oh. 358 00:52:41,770 --> 00:52:44,130 Those recruiters sure have some unusual methods. 359 00:52:44,690 --> 00:52:46,790 They nearly scared the pants off of me. 360 00:52:47,690 --> 00:52:50,090 Well, explain yourself, man. I don't have all day. 361 00:52:50,750 --> 00:52:52,890 I think the poster will explain it better. 362 00:53:00,650 --> 00:53:04,930 Holy mackerel, that was so one fine seed. 363 00:53:28,140 --> 00:53:30,720 I'll tell you something. I do feel better. 364 00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:32,640 Yes, yes, yes. 365 00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:37,540 But we still need something to go up against Hollywood squares. 366 00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:40,440 Something with a woman's touch. 367 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:41,860 Any ideas? 368 00:53:43,300 --> 00:53:46,620 Well, I've got something, big boy. 369 00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:50,500 Something that'll get their juices flowing. 370 00:53:50,860 --> 00:53:56,120 Their bodies melting. Their nipples hardening. 371 00:53:56,990 --> 00:53:58,750 The pussy again. 372 00:53:59,490 --> 00:54:02,770 Yes, the asshole's pulsating. 373 00:54:03,670 --> 00:54:04,850 Okay, okay. 374 00:54:05,130 --> 00:54:06,410 Go on, honey. 375 00:54:06,870 --> 00:54:08,490 Sure, baby, sure. 376 00:54:08,950 --> 00:54:15,810 Look, in the morning, when a woman's lonely, she wants 377 00:54:15,810 --> 00:54:19,550 her man back, so we do our soap. 378 00:54:20,350 --> 00:54:23,410 Yes, our star is on the cover of Penthouse Magazine. 379 00:54:23,750 --> 00:54:29,730 And since our toilet wife has promised to sponsor the show, I mean, what else 380 00:54:29,730 --> 00:54:31,010 can you ask for? 381 00:54:31,630 --> 00:54:35,790 Anyway, I'm going to show you the pilot and then their commercial. 382 00:54:37,550 --> 00:54:40,950 Yes, it's a real stinker. 383 00:54:41,690 --> 00:54:44,070 Anyway, here it is. 384 01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:46,220 I'll leave that shit. 385 01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:48,180 What if the guy doesn't flush the toilet? 386 01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:51,600 Yeah, I bet it would just keep on going and going and going. 387 01:02:52,960 --> 01:02:59,860 A tad slow, Audrey, but, uh... Oh, but... But it's sensitive, Andy. 388 01:03:00,380 --> 01:03:07,000 I mean, it is basically a woman's piece, but... Oh, but a sensitive man can 389 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,240 surely see its worth. 390 01:03:11,550 --> 01:03:15,890 Well, a more sensitive man never walked this earth, honey. 391 01:03:17,410 --> 01:03:20,690 But I'd still like to see somebody come in that broad space, huh? 392 01:03:21,310 --> 01:03:24,490 So, uh, let's put some tunnel shots in it, huh? 393 01:03:28,270 --> 01:03:31,770 How about it, old man? 394 01:03:32,470 --> 01:03:33,470 Meta? 395 01:03:34,010 --> 01:03:35,010 Stick it. 396 01:03:36,170 --> 01:03:39,250 Next. And this time, let's have a good idea. 397 01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:40,800 Oh, Chief. 398 01:03:41,500 --> 01:03:46,060 I was hoping to hear from somebody to cheer me up, for God's sakes. 399 01:03:46,300 --> 01:03:52,240 Okay, okay, Chief. I know. You see me, hairy legs, and you think of failure. 400 01:03:52,600 --> 01:03:56,640 Dismal failure, you putz. Your attempts to counter days of our lives haven't 401 01:03:56,640 --> 01:04:00,000 gotten us more than a three -share in that time slot. Oh, okay, okay. I hear 402 01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:02,100 you. But that was last week. 403 01:04:02,340 --> 01:04:07,960 But this week, we put together a... We had a brainstorm, and we put together a 404 01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:09,340 sample, and I think you're going to... 405 01:04:09,770 --> 01:04:14,470 Cream your jeans for it. I really and truly, honest to God, do. Okay, okay, 406 01:04:14,530 --> 01:04:16,310 legs. Let's see what you've come up with. 407 01:04:16,670 --> 01:04:19,850 We call it the young and the horny. 408 01:04:41,580 --> 01:04:45,120 This is the house where my husband and I are going to stay when we get big. 409 01:04:45,320 --> 01:04:48,880 And that's our little dark house, and this is where our baby's going to live. 410 01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:53,260 That little shack may be okay for you, but I've got bigger plans. 411 01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:58,600 This is my castle, and this is the bridge where my prince is going to come 412 01:04:58,600 --> 01:05:00,980 save me. We're going to live happily ever after. 413 01:05:01,460 --> 01:05:03,520 That's better than living in a dump in the valley. 414 01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:06,980 Wouldn't you like some prince to come save you, Rita? 415 01:05:07,980 --> 01:05:10,160 My prince has already come. 416 01:05:13,100 --> 01:05:15,960 Rita, what's that big dirty thing? 417 01:05:16,340 --> 01:05:22,120 That's not a home. That's a... It's a big cot. 418 01:05:22,420 --> 01:05:26,520 And you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday. 419 01:05:27,760 --> 01:05:29,760 Was it nasty? 420 01:05:30,640 --> 01:05:32,880 Oh, was it ever. 421 01:05:33,860 --> 01:05:35,700 Did you get to do it with a boy? 422 01:05:36,740 --> 01:05:38,540 You bet I did. 423 01:05:38,860 --> 01:05:40,540 Oh, Rita, tell us about it. 424 01:05:41,410 --> 01:05:43,950 Okay, but you can't tell anyone. 425 01:05:44,430 --> 01:05:47,210 Because if you do, I get in such trouble. 426 01:05:47,990 --> 01:05:53,430 Well, you see, the salesman came over yesterday after I got home from school. 427 01:05:54,050 --> 01:05:55,670 And he was selling some gifts. 428 01:06:00,770 --> 01:06:01,930 Uh, hi. 429 01:06:02,150 --> 01:06:03,870 Is your mother home, miss? 430 01:06:04,130 --> 01:06:06,250 Uh -uh. She's at her bridge club. 431 01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:07,879 I see. 432 01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:10,820 Well, I guess I'll come back later. Do you know when she'll be home? 433 01:06:11,480 --> 01:06:13,560 Not for quite a while. What do you got? 434 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:17,760 I got some gifts and things, you know. Do you think she might like to buy some 435 01:06:17,760 --> 01:06:18,760 gifts for her friends? 436 01:06:19,960 --> 01:06:21,280 Gee, I don't know. 437 01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:24,000 Why don't you come in and show me what you have? 438 01:06:24,420 --> 01:06:25,600 Well, okay. 439 01:06:36,140 --> 01:06:37,220 So, what's your name? 440 01:06:38,340 --> 01:06:40,100 Bobby. Mine's Rita. 441 01:06:41,660 --> 01:06:42,660 Hi, Rita. 442 01:06:42,980 --> 01:06:45,360 Well, Bobby, what have you got you want to show me? 443 01:06:46,380 --> 01:06:48,160 Well, uh, okay. 444 01:06:48,700 --> 01:06:50,900 We have here some very nice samples. 445 01:06:51,580 --> 01:06:55,180 These, uh, rollers, for instance, are... Can I try one? 446 01:06:55,880 --> 01:06:57,460 Well, only if you're going to buy them. 447 01:06:58,480 --> 01:06:59,560 Ooh, I like that. 448 01:07:00,660 --> 01:07:01,660 What, this? 449 01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:04,200 Do you think your mom might like it? 450 01:07:07,300 --> 01:07:11,440 Well, I was thinking it would be nice to shave all this icky hair off. 451 01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:16,660 Well, I'm sure it would be, but what would your mom and dad say? 452 01:07:17,540 --> 01:07:20,540 What I do with my pussy is my own affair, right? 453 01:07:21,960 --> 01:07:22,960 Right. 454 01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:26,220 Don't you think I have a cute pussy? 455 01:07:30,080 --> 01:07:33,140 Well, yeah, but these things just don't happen. 456 01:07:36,460 --> 01:07:39,000 You don't have to be so nervous, Bobby. 457 01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:42,900 My parents won't be home for hours. 458 01:07:43,380 --> 01:07:48,320 So let's just see how good this thing shaves. If it does a good job, then 459 01:07:48,320 --> 01:07:49,320 I'll buy it. 460 01:07:51,420 --> 01:07:52,420 Okay. 461 01:08:12,339 --> 01:08:14,860 Here, you have to shave it so that I don't hurt myself. 462 01:08:16,420 --> 01:08:19,200 Size of salesman should do the first demonstration, right? 463 01:08:20,340 --> 01:08:21,479 Customer's always right, I guess. 464 01:08:22,620 --> 01:08:23,939 Will you give me a hand? 465 01:08:24,899 --> 01:08:25,899 You bet. 466 01:08:27,260 --> 01:08:28,779 Don't worry, I'll be real careful. 467 01:09:29,609 --> 01:09:34,910 You should have seen this guy as he shaved me bare. His eyes lit up and he 468 01:09:34,910 --> 01:09:37,910 so hot his cock was going to tear through his pants. 469 01:10:11,510 --> 01:10:12,610 Here you go, Bobby. 470 01:10:13,010 --> 01:10:17,250 Will you put some olive oil on so I don't break out in a nasty rash, would 471 01:10:17,270 --> 01:10:18,470 huh? Sure. 472 01:11:07,400 --> 01:11:09,360 You know, Rita, you have such a nice pussy. 473 01:11:10,160 --> 01:11:12,800 You should keep it shaved all the time so it's never covered. 474 01:11:14,740 --> 01:11:17,060 Feels so nice when you play with it, mister. 475 01:11:25,060 --> 01:11:28,600 That feels so nice once you put your tongue on it and suck it, too. 476 01:11:29,260 --> 01:11:30,260 Okay. 477 01:11:45,610 --> 01:11:50,590 He sucked so good on my little thing that I wanted to scream. 478 01:11:51,270 --> 01:11:58,210 I felt so tingly inside, so I reached down and started to play with his hard 479 01:11:58,210 --> 01:12:04,530 cock. Then I just couldn't help myself. I pulled it out and stuck it deep inside 480 01:12:04,530 --> 01:12:05,530 me. 481 01:12:55,010 --> 01:13:01,040 I love the way God can put so easily in and out. 482 01:13:43,310 --> 01:13:44,310 Thank you. 483 01:14:51,370 --> 01:14:52,370 Oh, I'm going to come. 484 01:14:53,770 --> 01:14:54,770 I'm going to come. 485 01:14:55,130 --> 01:14:56,230 Oh, I'm going to come. 486 01:14:56,570 --> 01:15:00,870 Oh, please, no. I don't want to get pregnant. Just let me. I'll let you do 487 01:15:00,870 --> 01:15:01,870 my mouth, okay? 488 01:15:02,110 --> 01:15:03,110 Okay, okay. 489 01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:33,560 You know what, lady? 490 01:15:34,120 --> 01:15:37,740 That's the best sales demonstration I've ever done in my whole life. 491 01:15:38,020 --> 01:15:41,440 That was the best youth -oriented product I've had this month, too. 492 01:15:50,900 --> 01:15:57,460 We said goodbye real fast, but he said he'd come back when my mom isn't home. 493 01:15:58,040 --> 01:16:00,240 Oh, man, that sounds nasty. 494 01:16:01,120 --> 01:16:02,820 What did his thing taste like? 495 01:16:03,880 --> 01:16:07,540 Well, it was warm and a little salty, but I liked it. 496 01:16:07,900 --> 01:16:10,200 Oh, I wish something like that could happen to me. 497 01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:12,580 Well, heck, I have his number. 498 01:16:12,960 --> 01:16:17,260 Well, do you think he'd want to? After all, we're just 13 -year -old virgins. 499 01:16:18,620 --> 01:16:20,300 Hey, it's his job. 500 01:16:20,740 --> 01:16:23,240 He's got to know his territory, right? 501 01:16:23,780 --> 01:16:24,780 Right. 502 01:16:31,180 --> 01:16:33,680 Will Rita, Robin, and Jackie fuck Bob? 503 01:16:34,220 --> 01:16:37,240 Will Rita's mother find out and tell Jackie's dad? 504 01:16:37,780 --> 01:16:41,620 Is Robin really a virgin? 505 01:16:42,760 --> 01:16:48,080 Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling installment of The Young and the Horny. 506 01:16:48,260 --> 01:16:54,860 I think that's the most inspiring piece of goddamn work I've ever seen. If 507 01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:56,340 anybody can look at... 508 01:16:56,700 --> 01:17:01,300 That stuff like that and then call American TV a great wasteland. Well, I 509 01:17:01,300 --> 01:17:03,600 know my cock from a pole in the ground. 510 01:17:04,040 --> 01:17:05,200 What do you think, gang? 511 01:17:07,400 --> 01:17:08,400 Gang? 512 01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:10,780 Is anybody listening out there? 513 01:17:13,760 --> 01:17:14,760 Oh, hell. 514 01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:17,160 A leader's place is with his men. 515 01:17:18,480 --> 01:17:19,480 Or women.